Dogs, Showing, and Testicles

Me: I need your help to practice showing with Tierce.

Tierce: Ew.

Boyfriend: What am I doing?

Me: You're going to be the judge.

Boyfriend: Okay, what do I have to do?

Tierce: Let me go!

Me: You come up to Tierce and check his teeth.

Boyfriend: [Checks Tierce's teeth]

Tierce: I hate you now. You remember all the times we lay together on the couch, watching TV? That's all dead to me.

Me: Okay, now just run your hand down his back and stretch out his tail down his back legs. Good boy, Tierce! Gooood puppy!

Boyfriend: Okay, now what.

Tierce: Giving me more treats would be good.

Me: Now, just check his testicles.

Boyfriend: What?

Tierce: What?

Me: His testicles. Touch them to make sure he has both. That's what the judges do to make sure the dog has both of them.

Boyfriend: I'm not touching the dog's balls!

Tierce: Yeah! I mean, no! He's not touching my balls.

Me: Oh don't be so silly. All you have to do is-

Tierce: Hey, hands off my personal property!

Me: Good boy! -see?

Boyfriend: No.

Me: It doesn't mean anything. It's something that the judges do.

Tierce: I have just decided not to like the judges.

Boyfriend: Well, the judges can do it, then. I'm not touching the dog's balls.

Me: [angrily] Well then, forget it! It's not like I'm asking much!

Tierce: Well, if you ask me...

Boyfriend: I just don't want to do it!

Me: So sorry for casting aspersions on your sexual orientation. I was unaware that training a dog for show involved your man-pride!

Tierce: Yay, she let me go!

Boyfriend: [stony silence]

Me: [stony silence]

Tierce: I'm free! Who wants to play with this Kong? Or these rings? Or this ball?

Boyfriend: ...

Me: ...

Tierce: Well, um, sorry I asked. Can I go outside?

Me: *sigh* Sure.

Tierce: Yay!